Weird Asian beauty goodies two of which may or may not contain snail slime

The radness that if my friend Vo recently went on holiday in the east and I was kind enough to ask if I wanted anything. ‘Oh, just any freaky beauty stuff you happen to spot. You know how they’re big into bird pooh facials and all that shizz. If you see anything cheap and nasty just nab it asseblief…’, I said.

And that’s how I came to be the proud owner of these boys:

A snail gel-infused eye mask, an egg cream mask (admittedly not all that absurd) and the piece de resistance – Mr Smile Patch!

The latter promises to plump up your smile lines but I have no clue what’s in it. Possibly snail slime too but as I don’t read Korean, I really have no idea. I tried them this morning but my treatment was short-lived as a neighbour who’d locked herself out decided to scale the roof 50cm away from the open sliding doors where I was sitting; patches on my face and selfie-snapping.

Neighbour: (Dying from awkwardness). Errr… Hi. Sorry about this.

Me: (Double dying from awkwardness) Er… hi. Um. This is a weird facial treatment a friend got me from Korea.

Neighbour: Oh.

Me: It’s supposed to smooth out your smile lines.

Neighbour: Ah. (A pause.) Well good luck with that.

*Cue long embarrassing silence as she slowly crawled past me while I sat there feeling like a total tit*

Me: Well, bye then!

It was at this point, when I smiled good bye at her back, that one of the patches fell off, deep into the side crevasse of my couch. Obviously I dug it out but, as the patch is super frail and gelitanous, it had been torn to bits and lost all its moisture. Just like that, my dreams of a less liney looking gesig were dashed. Or at least on both sides anyway.

Feeling 50% prettier already...
Feeling 50% prettier already…

On the upside, the lovely gel-creme textured egg mask (it uses egg yolk among other things to hydrate) was pretty rocking.

Not! Terrifying! At! All!
Not! Terrifying! At! All!

A big dankie-dankie to Vo for bringing me a touch o’ beauty from the orient. You’re a total gem.

Love, love


10 thoughts on “Weird Asian beauty goodies two of which may or may not contain snail slime

  1. Hilarious – my first smile of the day after battling with the Standard Bank website which is non functional today. Thanks for the fun post!

  2. Scenario: You’re sent to the UK (London) for a week all on your lonesome to do absolutely anything you please (with our measly ZARs) and you don’t have to consider dragging a miserable body around that is not your own. What do you do? Where do you go? What beauty products do you buy?

    1. Ah! Things to do – if you can afford it, go see The Lion King on broadway. It made me cry like a baby and I loved every second. Shops you need to visit – Topshop in Oxford street as well as H&M, New Look (fab shoes and bags and they won’t bankrupt you), Miss Selfridge and Primark (cheap, cheap!) Cosmetics-wise – you’ll die when you hit the bigger Boots stores – they have everything. Superdrug is also amazing. Both brands have awesome ‘in-house’ cosmetics collections and skincare lines that awesome, especially Boots Botanics (very cheap, the 3-in-1 cleanser is less than 2 pounds and totally fab) and Boots Soap & Glory (super cute retro packaging.) For high end brands I find its best to visit Harrods. Their prices aren’t more expensive than any other department store and the counter ladies throw loads of free samples at you (especially if you’re dressed nicely and aren’t afraid to ask nicely). Brand-wise, check out Urban Decay for incredible eye shadow. I could go on but have a huge script to write. I hope this helps!

      1. Thanx. I’m making lists upon lists upon lists so I’ll add your recommendations. Boots, Superdrug, Primark, H&M, New Look are all on my radar. I saw the Lion King when it was here but will definitely take in a theatre show too. And Charlotte Tilbury! Oh dear God! Charlotte Tilbury. I’ll not eat for 2 days if necessary to bag some Charlotte Tilbury!
        (– . –)

  3. So obsessed with Asian beauty products. I was considering shipping a ton of sheet masks here from Ebay but there are so many fakes and I didn’t want to risk it.

    By the way, you look great with that weird mustache

    1. I’m obsessed with eBay! Maybe buy one first and see what it’s like. And thanks for appreciating my mo. I wear it especially for the ladies *insert creepy wink here*

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s