Ever heard of endermologie? For those of you in the dark, a treatment involves having a special massage machine swept over your lumps and bumps to give them the old heave ho. (The massager’s head looks a bit like a mini-vacuum cleaner and it gently sucks at your flab, pulling it up so as to give it a bit of a pummel which helps break it down).

Right now, I’m v. v. lucky as I don’t suffer from visible cellulite. However, when I grab a handful of thigh and give it a good squeeze, it’s like orange peel city… and a scary taste of what’s to come. This is why I was thrilled to be invited to experience a lipomassage session at Kinetic Contours in Oranjezicht – it’s definitely something I’ll consider investing in the future… especially if I keep up my ‘KFC doesn’t count when you’re drunk’ diet.

So, I hit up the salon after work today, ready to give my ass a good pummeling.

After a few quick health questions, the usual ‘are you a smoker’… ‘do you drink 1.5 litres of water a day’ (does Coke Lite count?) etc, I was left to change into a zexy body stocking. (I’ve got a rather awesome piccie of me in it, but alas, it’s super see-through and I don’t think my family would appreciate me splashing my ta ta’s on the net. Perhaps tomorrow I’ll get one of my art directors to Photoshop a nice blur across my chest so I can slap it up).

I then got to lie down on a nice massage bed and received a very relaxing, deep tissue massage courtesy of their special lipomassage attachment. I’m pleased to say it didn’t hurt one bit and was actually very pleasant. In fact, I might’ve even fallen asleep (as many of Gabi’s clients do) if we hadn’t been so busy skinnering. (Apparently, a lot of the salon’s clientelle are strippers! After telling me, Gabi worried whether it was something I should write about or not, but really, I can’t think of a better punt than that. I mean who doesn’t want the ass of hot, thong-clad table dancer?)

While getting my massage I got to ask Gabi all my endermologie questions and this is what I’ve learned…

If you’re taking up two seats on a plane, endermologie is not your friend. Ideal candidates are no more than 15kg’s overweight, otherwise the machine can’t reach the fat it needs to break down. Most of the salon’s clients are in between their late twenties and forties. Gabi reckons it’s because younger people can’t really afford the treatment and after a certain age women kinda acquiesce to the fact that their butt might be best kept hidden under a kaftan.

There are several different types of attachments that can be used in treatment, the two most popular being the lipomassage head and the endermologie head. The lipomassage head is smaller, yet packs a punch by sucking fat upwards with two rollers that spin inwards. This makes it great for skinny peeps with targeted areas of fat to blast – think hips, love handles, thighs and knees. The endomologie head feels much softer on the skin as it’s roller’s spin outwards. It’s ideal for those looking to lose weight all over as it fights generalised flab.

Results-wise, some people see a big difference after just 14 sessions. Sometimes, however, things start looking worse before they look better. This is because the skin starts to loosen up around session 6 or 7 before firming up again towards the end. To get the most bang for your buck, it’s best to team your treatment with a healthy diet, exercise and lots and lots of water. ‘Drinking water helps you to flush out the fat cells that have been broken down’, says Gabi. Also, the younger you are, the faster you’re likely to turn from flabby to fabby. This is because, in a nut shell, the fat of older people has been piling up for yonks, making it a tad more resistant to treatment.

Lipomassage is also great for firming up your skin, lymph drainage and easing water retention.

In regards to price, endermologie isn’t cheap, but if I was cellie-riddled, I’d pay though my nose at the chance of bettering my ass. A course of 20 lipomassage treatments will set you back R1 980 while 20 endermologie sessions cost R4 200. (The latter is more expensive because it treats your whole body, which takes a little longer). Once you’re sorted out, you’ll then need to pop in for the odd maintainance session as cellulite comes back as you age. (Kak, I know, but much like Justin Bieber, it’s one of those things you just can’t beat… only keep at bay…) A single lipomassage treatment is R195 and endermologie is R275).

Anyhoo, I’ve spent a good five minutes scrutinising my butt and can’t see any difference, but that’s to be expected as I just had one treatment. Still, it’s good to know just how pleasant and easy treatment really is as this is something I’ll probably end up doing in the future. After all, all those Zinger Wings have got to kick in sometime…

Love, love

Leigh